I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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