sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
