Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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