you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
