Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
