oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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