Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Ketchup is God's man juice
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
