I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
