so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
