I will die if light touches me.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
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this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
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Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.