Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
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