you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
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Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
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I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.