i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
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I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
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I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
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