Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
