I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
