And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
