Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
