her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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