im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
