I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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