I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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