Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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