just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
