I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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