There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Never joke about your clitoris.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
