You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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