I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
