please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
You pole danced in your parka.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
