Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Randomize
