hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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