when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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