Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
