I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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