I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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