At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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