If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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