I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
