I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
