Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
