non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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