Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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