i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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