I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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