I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
