Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
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he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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