She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
