Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
