I hate your face
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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