Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Randomize
