I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
