last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
