Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
You're like the curious george of whores
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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