i would punch a child for taco bell
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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