peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
