why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
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