I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
