so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Randomize
