Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
